my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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