Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
