shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
