life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
