I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
