My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
