Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
