my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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