Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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