i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
