I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
