im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
