i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
