we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
