I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
