no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
