I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
