alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
