Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
