i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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