On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
