getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
