dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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