My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
