Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
