Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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