Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
