peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
