I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
