my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
