When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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