i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
