the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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