there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
