so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
