hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
