i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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