Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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