Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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