Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
