He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
