You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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