i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
