Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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