and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
im on a boat
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