Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
