She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
