Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize