oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
