I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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