Pants 0. Shit 1.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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