I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
