New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
