I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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