The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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