A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
