Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
