my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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