My Higher Power is John Stamos
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
