Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
