is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
