I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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